"You Did This Already"

There are times when the only response I truly feel is simply to scream my frustration.  I am currently stuck with no other options than to simply watch as as the observed entities (on several levels) repeat the exact same pattern and expect different results.  I have lost count of how many times this pattern has been repeated now, without change, and the observed entities make no changes but expect different results.

At the moment, I want to scream at the top of my lungs until I loose my voice something to the effect of, "You have already done this and know the results.  Repeating it exactly the same will no more bring different results than repeatedly adding two plus two will ever get a different result than four!!"

It really is that obvious a repeating pattern, to anyone who actually looks, with that obvious an outcome.  However, I am not in a position to be able to say anything at all about it unless asked, and I am very unlikely to be asked.

--- The Dancer in the Shadows

Needed a Mini Zelda Fix

I'm not certain exactly what prompted me to do the search, but I now have the Life Hearts as my battery status indicator and the Triforce spinning as my wallpaper.

--- The Dancer in the Shadows

Getting Away

I took a camping trip mini-break from the modern world.  No electricity.  No air conditioning.  I would say no running water, but I was camping less than fifteen meters (approximately fifty feet) from a beautiful flowing river.  These are a few of the pictures.  (Obviously I had my camera).  Going back again this coming weekend.

--- The Dancer in the Shadows

Twist of Irony

It has been raining heavily daily for a week or so, making riding to work impractical due to electronics I carry with me.  This has resulted in me driving my car instead.  As all vehicles do, my car needed more fuel, so I filled up to continue going to work.  And now, in a painful twist of irony, I am unable to ride the more fuel efficient motorcycle to work on this absolutely beautiful day because I don't have the gas money... I had to put it in the car during the rains to continue going to work.

--- The Dancer in the Shadows

On Pain and Metaphors

Much as I have found I need the outlet that this blog provides me, I have also discovered that some of the things I need to let out are so intensely painful to even contemplate that I need to stop and step away mid-draft multiple times.

I often speak here in metaphors, mostly because I find it easier to express the concepts and ideas using parallels that are easier to describe.  Often I have a concept to express that I don't know the words for, if those words even exist, and it is faster and more efficient to express it in a metaphor than to research if the words to directly express the concept exist in the first place.  A side effect is some insulation from the direct concept, at least for those that don't directly know what I am talking about.  I am finding that the metaphors, while making the words themselves flow more easily, don't insulate me at all from the pain the concept brings with it.

One of the drafts in progress has less than ten words saved.  A simple reminder to me of what this particular draft is about...  A reminder that even those who know me personally and know the situation would still probably not be able to discern what I am reminding myself of...  And those few words have brought me to tears twice just opening the draft to remind myself of what this currently nameless draft is going to be about...

--- The Dancer in the Shadows

Middle of the Night Musings

It is almost 04:00 in the morning, and I so far am unable to sleep.  Through my mind keeps running the various potential fall out scenarios for what I'm certain will be a very ugly fight with my Ex.  On top of that, I have a stress headache and a dehydration headache, and have drank enough water that I'm sick to my stomach from it trying to rehydrate as fast as I'm dehydrating from the weather.  No pain killers that I can find either.

In an ironic twist, now that I'm letting this out, I've drifted twice, and have noted without any doubt that looking at the screen hurts.

--- The  Dancer in the Shadows

Drafts

... and currently I have three incomplete posts currently saved as drafts...

Work is often an interruption, and lack of time comes into play quite often as well.

So far, I don't seem to be able to edit drafts from my phone, so unless I finish the draft on my phone and it is ready to post when I send it, I then have to finish the draft from a real computer. On the plus side, I have not lost the idea threads for these drafts; rereading what I've written is more than sufficient to reignite the spark of the idea, and I am able to continue with the draft and finish it. On the minus side is the finishing must be done from a real computer. Most of my "real computer" time is spent at work where my employer expects me to be working.

--- The Dancer in the Shadows

Life Lessons

First, a little background. I am currently having heart problems.

Trying to determine what aggravates my current heart problems has been a frustrating and ineffective mess of minor experiments and lots of measurements which has yielded almost no useful information...

Fed up with the near-complete lack of results, I decided to do a... shall we say... larger... experiment. This larger experiment got very clearly measurable results and a significant amount of pain along with those results. I now know without any doubt that large amounts of processed sugar are a very definite trigger. I still don't understand how exactly, but I don't really care either at the moment. I have since adjusted my diet to significantly reduce the amount of processed sugars I eat as a result of this, and even in the few days since this experiment and my subsequent dietary changes, I am already seeing improvements.

While this is most assuredly not my most shining moment of brilliance (my doctor said it was a moment of abject stupidity that could have killed me...), I have more progress to show from my one stupid experiment than I have had from several months of small experiments that were "safe" to try.

Is there a lesson to be learned here? Perhaps. Throughout my life, I have alternated between playing it safe and taking huge calculated risks. The results of these two alternate methods for me have been very consistent. When I play it safe, I stagnate, become ever increasingly frustrated, and if I persist in playing it safe long enough, I fall into depression. When I take the calculated risks, I get results. Not always good results, but always results I can learn something from. Learning is one of my deepest passions, and I feel the most alive, even when possibly dying, when I am learning and exploring.

--- The Dancer in the Shadows